The Boy Who Stutters

An old friend visited me recently. He himself delivered the food I ordered from him. I was expecting we're gonna drink, but he didn't bring anything but the food. Such a letdown. Because honestly, he kept my hopes up when he asked me the day before what beer he should buy. I was disappointed. Then I remembered he has always disappointed me. That I never told him. But I think I didn't need to because maybe he felt it (or I could only guess.). I made him stay, as implicitly planned. And so the difference is the missing beer. I didn't mind. As we talked without alcohol before, I thought we can talk again without one. Here comes the awkward silence as we try to create a conversation.  Well, we haven't seen each other for months. The last time we had talked personally was last year.  I knew what he wanted. Believe me when I claim that he wanted our old conversation. He wanted to listen to me talk about anything. He wanted to be asked the same questions. He wanted to hav...

What if that message was sent? Would it change anything? Would he reply?   You bombard yourself with these questions – repeatedly and painfully. Why? On what purpose? You made up your mind, haven’t you? What keeps bothering you? Why bother?   This isn’t the first time. In fact, if you would count every man you endured, you would only lie again when you answer the number of sexual partners you had for the past 12 months. You are going to have yourself tested again. For free condoms and lube, of course . You are going to answer the same questionnaire again. You are going to sign the same disclosure agreement again. Why? You were always safe and sure that your visit to the clinic is really just for the free rubber and lubricant. Or you’re just paranoid about some rashes on your skin.  Fine, you comfort yourself with anything anyways.   And the result was nonreactive. You’re negative, as expected. So the idea of bare still lingers. Curiosity is indeed dan...

Mahigit isang daang araw na ang lumipas nang kailanganin natin maghigpit. Tanda ko pa noon na nagdalawang isip ako kung uuwi ako sa’min. Dormer ako at may nabalitaang may dalawa o tatlong posibleng kaso sa campus. Naka-quarantine na naman daw. Propesor daw na galing sa ibang bansa tapos nagturo agad. Agad din naman tinunton ang mga lugar at tao na pinuntahan at nakasalamuha. Nagpadala ng mga pribadong mensahe at pinagquarantine din ang mga estudyante at kapwa-guro. Nalaman ko ang balita mula sa naging kaklase ko sa isang GE na nakatanggap mismo ng liham at hiling na mag self-quarantine muna. “Ibang kolehiyo naman,” naisip ko. Sapat ang distansya ng magkakalayong gusali; sobrang lawak naman ng unibersidad. Ako nga na sopomor, hindi ko pa rin nalilibot ang sangkalupaan ng eskwelehan ko. Walang dapat ikabahala. Kaso ang distansya o layo ay hindi nakatulong kung ang isip mo ay ilang araw na ring hindi pirmi. Matapos ba naman ang mga sari-saring nangyari nang pumasok ang bagong taon, s...

Friday, Feb. 15, 2019 ∙ 18:38 Hey –  Got it.  Probably I’m gonna have dinner here first. Then good to go. Just so you know, I’m part Chinese, I tend to have Asian flush syndrome or the face redness when drunk. Just don’t freak out when that happens. People usually get concerned. But not gonna drink much since it’s been long since my last. Thanks. Hey. I’m still dressing. What time? What time? ?? I’m sorry bro..I was waiting too. I’ll be on my way now. Almost there. Traffic jam at rodics. I’m here. Alright. I’m wrapping up naman na. Are you good with TK? Haha don’t worry, that is noted. You don’t have to rush. I’m still waiting for the jeep.  I’m on the jeep. Will wait for you sa Ministop. Mga 8pm or before 8pm nandoon na ako. Malapit na ko. Sa ministop See you bro Rodic’s Bahay ng Alumni? Saturday, Feb. 16, 2019 ∙ 00:39 Nakauwi ka na?  Yup Saturday, Feb. 16, 2019 ∙ 03:14  Hey, sorry I missed your call. I jgh. Anyway, I went out yester-night with an 18-yr old ...

Parang natatakot akong maging gising pa rin sa ganitong oras. Delikadong mag-isip. Delikadong mag-isa. Pinilit ko ang sarili ko na matulog bago mag alas-dose para maligtas ng ilang Linggo pero may gabi, tulad nito, na pumapalpak ako. Hindi inasahan. Bakit ko aasahan diba? Takot nga ako diba. Hindi ba? Nagpaalala na naman ang utak ko. Ng kamalian. Ng pagsisi. Ng kakulangan. Ng kawalang halaga. Sana iba ang pinaalala, kung mahihiling ko lang.  Sana.  Ang bigat kaso hindi ko mahanap kung ano. Kung alin. Kung saan. Kung sino. O bakit, o kaya paano? Matutulog ako.  Magigising at buburahin ang bawat kataga na nadama sa panahon nang naisulat ko 'to. Kalimutan nalang natin. Ulit. 16 June 2020

Writers write to forget. They want the truth but lie. Imagine the rule of box…they have to follow, disobey, or comply and break. Memories betray the mind. They hurt and remind the pain. Fabricate a picture…so the feelings stay away. Words save the forgetful. They comfort uncertainty with make-believe. Sadly, it works. It saves and comforts. * Writers write to forget. An irony – because, how could they? How could they write or forget?  How could writers write to forget when writing saves memory? How could writers write to forget when writing immortalizes what they wish to forget? Writers are fools. They are fools to believe that it works that way. Or maybe writers write to really forget.  They do so they can finally leave it behind.  That’s a way of putting it.  A cheat. But writers wish it works that way. But there are writers who really write to forget. They try. And fail.  But they will try again. And fail again. Because writers don’t just write to f...

“Is this what I wanted?” you ask yourself repeatedly and tirelessly. “But sex is a need,” you justify rightly every time you guilt yourself. “I will delete the app now,” you promise for the nth time. You don’t believe that, do you? (You did delete it, though – for the nth time. But just reinstall it anytime freely.) * “I guess you’re active,” he teases. You would smirk, as always, when a man lying opposite of you gives that impression. Well, a correct presumption. How could they know? You often ask yourself. You just do hook up at least once a week. Or do you remember the day when you had three? (Not at the same time and altogether, though. But it is another story to tell, I bet. #threesome ) Define active …is what you would reply to the man now breaking your embrace. Then he would predictably refuse to say the word – the act that you just did. The man in his glowing face is now tongue-tied. Well, you’re just trying to keep the conversation he started. How is that a man can ask for se...

The problem with the past is that no one can relive it. It was the present before it turns into a memory. However we live life, time will show that our memory can only hold much remembrance. The knowledge of the past can sometimes transform inaction to action, shift powerful to powerless, and change innocence to ignorance. Learning and studying the past, no matter how terrible or rewarding, shapes the minds of today. The subtleties and intricacies of events have its way to make simple narrative complex, and complicated story basic. Clearly, there are different treatment and approaches to perceive and consume such; but I learned that people make history and history makes people. The History of the Philippines is yet to be filled with completeness, only if that is the case. I realized that theories were only formulated over time and such are yet to fill the gaps of the past. From the emergence of man to establishing societies, all aspects of life has its own history. Our country, wi...