today i got my heart broken

Today I got my heart broken. I hate that I only write when my heart breaks. I wish I could write when it is happy. As to save it. As to remember. As to claim that not all the time is a sad day. Only if that is the case.

This is not the first time I had my heart broken. And I know it is not going to be the last. But every time it happens, it hits differently. It is supposed to feel the same, right? The same thing just happened again. Again. Why does it feel like the first time?

I thought I knew what tomorrow would bring because today was just like yesterday. For someone who does not have anything to look forward into anymore, I am almost always wrong. Today I realized, I can be more broken than I already am.

But I wonder what is there to break? I fear that I am just making up this feeling, so I get to be human for a day. Sentient and not oblivious. Overreacting and not sedentary. Breaking my heart is the last thing I would make myself do – not because it is hard, but because it is easy.

I am going to lose someone again. I feel sorry every time because why can’t I keep people who break my heart?

24 January 2021 

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