The Missing Beer

An old friend visited me recently.
He himself delivered the food I ordered from him.
I was expecting we're gonna drink, but he didn't bring anything but the food. Such a letdown. Because honestly, he kept my hopes up when he asked me the day before what beer he should buy.

I was disappointed. Then I remembered he has always disappointed me.
That I never told him. But I think I didn't need to because maybe he felt it (or I could only guess.).

I made him stay, as implicitly planned. And so the difference is the missing beer.
I didn't mind. As we talked without alcohol before, I thought we can talk again without one.

Here comes the awkward silence as we try to create a conversation. 

Well, we haven't seen each other for months. The last time we had talked personally was last year. 

I knew what he wanted. Believe me when I claim that he wanted our old conversation.
He wanted to listen to me talk about anything.
He wanted to be asked the same questions.
He wanted to have my presence. 
He wanted to miss me. 

But I couldn't say the same.
I would be lying if I say I also do – do miss him.

My life was okay without him, but I didn't mind catching up with him again this time. 

As we stayed longer, I realized he never changed.
I still saw the same person.

Still the sad boy he always was - the one suffering inside and the one who caged himself with people thinking they are going to make him happy.
But they never did...and maybe they never will.

And that's the most painful, I thought.
But I never shared my thoughts about that.

I simply just knew.


Masaya ka ba?
He broke the silence.

I laughed and remembered,
Ako ang nagtatanong sayo ‘nun lagi ah!
Ngayon ikaw na ang nagtatanong sakin.


There I knew I actually missed him too.
But still, I didn't tell him.
Why would I?

I know I'm done with his words.
I don't want to reconnect with him as deeply as I did before. 
Yet apparently, I missed him.

But in my mind I asked, why?
There's nothing to miss.


Perhaps it's the idea that he bothered to ask whether I am happy.

And it is all that matters.





I wish. 

---

21 JULY 2020









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