Nothingness

I've been through a lot lately; I lost a part of me. My past has broken me into nothingness but somehow it created me. I was troubled by the things I wasn't even sure mattered or would matter - until people think I just simply troubled myself for a clutter.

I cannot find the right words to speak my mind or even if I do, I don't think it deserves to be spoken. 

I am my biggest enemy. Fighting my alter ego with the conflicts none of us dared to confess has been my routine - at least every month or any random day of the week. It would hit me from nothingness, no matter how hard I try to figure out what caused it. Nothing. I thought of nothing; I chose to not put the blame on anything or to anyone because it would only just feel so wrong - so wrong I would end up just blaming myself.

What goes on my head at any time of the day seems to be out of my control, always predictably unpredictable. My fears bombard me as much as my regrets. I almost always await what the future holds and always almost burst every time darkness and triumph pour.

I am my own critic. I am my own boss. I play by my rules. I win by my choice. I shut and escape every time I lose. 

The numbing sensation in my chest gets worse every time the pain of life takes a toll on me. Am I still living or am I just surviving? Because damn to tell you, it feels like I'm dying.


I stumble...and people think I'd fall. Little do they know, I never actually stood up since the day I burned my own hall. I tried and you know what - I just cried. I was weak, too weak to be strong until I got too strong to be weak. I was vulnerable until I no longer care...definitely not a piece of cake, but it sure was all worth the pain.

What hardened my soul is something I would not wish to disclose, for it is forbidden for a delicate rose to lose and perish his ultimate goal. Searching for an answer, a reason or motivation does not always result in any meaning or explanation. I want it to stop. I want it to change. I want everything to stop or change or else I will keep everything in chaos and enraged.

-TBWS
02.06.18










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