Nothingness

I've been through a lot lately; I lost a part of me. My past has broken me into nothingness but somehow it created me. I was troubled by the things I wasn't even sure mattered or would matter - until people think I just simply troubled myself for a clutter.

I cannot find the right words to speak my mind or even if I do, I don't think it deserves to be spoken. 

I am my biggest enemy. Fighting my alter ego with the conflicts none of us dared to confess has been my routine - at least every month or any random day of the week. It would hit me from nothingness, no matter how hard I try to figure out what caused it. Nothing. I thought of nothing; I chose to not put the blame on anything or to anyone because it would only just feel so wrong - so wrong I would end up just blaming myself.

What goes on my head at any time of the day seems to be out of my control, always predictably unpredictable. My fears bombard me as much as my regrets. I almost always await what the future holds and always almost burst every time darkness and triumph pour.

I am my own critic. I am my own boss. I play by my rules. I win by my choice. I shut and escape every time I lose. 

The numbing sensation in my chest gets worse every time the pain of life takes a toll on me. Am I still living or am I just surviving? Because damn to tell you, it feels like I'm dying.


I stumble...and people think I'd fall. Little do they know, I never actually stood up since the day I burned my own hall. I tried and you know what - I just cried. I was weak, too weak to be strong until I got too strong to be weak. I was vulnerable until I no longer care...definitely not a piece of cake, but it sure was all worth the pain.

What hardened my soul is something I would not wish to disclose, for it is forbidden for a delicate rose to lose and perish his ultimate goal. Searching for an answer, a reason or motivation does not always result in any meaning or explanation. I want it to stop. I want it to change. I want everything to stop or change or else I will keep everything in chaos and enraged.

-TBWS
02.06.18










Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Analysis: Ang Sayaw ng Dalawang Kaliwang Paa

Image
Profound, complex, and beautiful.   The 2011 drama film of Alvin Yapan is an acclaimed motion picture that uses dance, poetry, and emotion to symbolize a deeper meaning about gender, sexuality, and character. The narrative involves a love triangle between Marlon (Paulo Avelino), Karen (Jean Garcia), and Dennis (Rocco Nacino). Dennis has started to invest emotionally on Marlon upon teaching him to dance to impress their literature teacher/dance instructor whom the latter is infatuated with. The film, however, does not focus solely on the romance of the characters but with the meaning behind every delivered poem, every dance routine, and every subtle projection of emotions through visual portrayal and effective sound. Ang Sayaw ng Dalawang Kaliwang Paa is wisely created as there’s more than the movie plot – there are reflections of gender sensitivity and fluidity, paradoxical representation of sexuality, and philosophical insights about feminism, affection, and devotion.  ...
Read more

Pelikula at Bansa: Ang Pagbuo ng National Cinema

Image
Panimula             Sa pagitan ng digmaang Kastila at Amerikano sa bansa noong panahon ng kolonyalismo, ang pelikula ay naipakilala sa mga katutubong mamamayan ng Pilipinas. Ito ay naging isang malaking impluwensiya sa kultura, lipunan, at pati na rin sa politika kung susuriin ang kasaysayan ng sinema sa bansa. Bagamat hindi katutubo ang pelikula, naging behikulo ito upang mabuo ang pagkakakilanlan ng mga Pilipino. Sa panahon kung saan hindi pa ‘Pilipino’ ang mga Pilipino buhat ng kolonyal na pag-iisip at ideolohiyang lakas ng mga dayuhan, ang pelikula ay isa sa mga nagsilbing midyum o kasangkapan upang mabuo ang esensya ng pagiging Pilipino. Subalit ano ang ibig sabihin ng pagiging “Pilipino”? Ano ang kinalaman ng pelikula sa pagtaguyod ng sari-saring kaisipan mula sa loob at labas ng lupain na nakatulong at nakasagabal sa pag-unlad ng isang makabansang katauhan? [CONTINUE READING THIS @  Pelikula at Bansa: Ang Pagbuo ng...
Read more

Emerging Filipino Indie Genre in the Philippine National Cinema

Image
What truly sets the Independent Cinema apart from the Mainstream Cinema? The film industry was generally classified financially and thematically into two: the independent and the mainstream. That is why the Philippine cinema has been subject to change, to progress, and even to confuse one with the other. The history of the Philippine Cinema proves this with regard to the Spanish and American influences during their occupation which led to the birth of cinema in the country   (Deocampo) and the political impact of the past which shaped the ‘nation’ and the ‘cinema’ (Campos) . Today, Filipino independent films, also known as “indie films,” have been establishing its identity that distinguishes it from the commercialized mainstream movies or popular cinema through the establishments of various Philippine Independent Film Festivals and the historical feats of independent Filipino filmmakers in both local and international arena. Redefining indie films as its own style or genre in the...
Read more

Pelikula at Bansa: Mga Potensyal at Hadlang Para sa Kaunlaran

Image
“Because more important than the award itself is the initiative to help the country realize the significance of cinema as a political tool and as a sign that reforms can be made and achieved” (Bolisay 189).  Ano nga ba ang saysay ng karangalan at pagkilala sa mga natatanging pelikula kung mananatili itong dekorasyon sa pangalan ng indibidwal na lumikha? Anong silbi ng parangal mula sa ibang bansa kung ang pelikula ay mula sa eksploytasyon ng danas ng kapwang Filipino na kinasangkapan bilang naratibo at laman ng pelikula? Maging mahusay at tanyag man ang likha, marapat na iakibat ang mga tanong na: (a) para kanino? (b) paano mapagsisilbihan ng pelikulang Filipino ang mamamayang Filipino? (Valerio 1). [FULL CONTENT REPOSTED @  Pelikula at Bansa: Mga Potensyal at Hadlang Para sa Kaunlaran – SineSalita (wordpress.com) Ang pelikula ay hindi katutubong midyum. Mula ito sa Kanluran at isa sa mga mahahalagang impluwensiya na dala ng kolonyal na kasaysayan. Naitala ang unang pagpapala...
Read more

Pabula: Ang Dalawang Magkaibigang Daga

Image
Sa Kaharian ng Dagatanra ay may dalawang magkaibigan. Umusbong ang pagkakaibigan nila noong maliliit pa sila. Magkaibigan din ang mga magulang nila. Palagi rin silang nagkakasundo sa mga kalokohan ng bawat isa. Isang araw, pumasok sa isip ni Bugoy na pumunta sa kweba ng isang higanteng ahas habang nakikinig sa kwento ng isang matandang daga. Ang higanteng ahas ay ang nakaalitan noon ng kanilang pinuno. Ipinagtanggol ni Haring Mapatangra pati ng mga mandirigmang daga ang kanilang mamamayan dahil nanggugulo ang mga higanteng ahas sa palasyo subalit maraming nasawi sa sagupaan na iyon. Alam ng magkaibigan ang nangyari noon sa palasyo pero hindi nagdalawang isip si Bugoy. “Buboy, pumunta tayo sa kweba ng higanteng ahas?” hiling niya sa kaibigan. “Bakit? anong gagawin natin doon?” patanong na sabi ni Buboy. “Gusto ko kasing makita ang itsura ng ahas.” “Ha? Ano ka ba? Alam natin na mapanganib sa kweba?” “Eh ano naman! Basta, sumama ka nalang kasi! ” malinaw na sinabi niya sa kaibigan. “Si...
Read more

Pagpapayaman sa Kultura at Wikang Filipino

Image
Pilipino ka ba? Kung oo ang sagot mo, aba ang swerte mo! Alam mo ba na ang Pilipinas ay hitik sa kultura at kakikitaan ng maraming wika? Kung Pilipino ka, bakit ‘di mo pagyamanin at ipagmalaki? Ipakita sa buong mundo na ang kultura at wikang Pilipino ay nararapat lamang pahalagahan at payabungin. Isang araw, may isang dayuhan na nagtanong sa’kin, “Are you Filipinos really like that?” Hindi ko ito nabatid at sinubukan kong linawin ang kanyang tanong. Sa aming pag-uusap, nalaman ko na hinahangaan niya ang kaugalian at wika ng mga Pilipino. Napaisip ako at tinanong ang sarili, “Ano nga bang mayroon sa ating mga Pilipino?” “Ano nga bang mayroon sa ating mga Pilipino?” Tayo ay tumigil muna, mag-isip, at magtanong – “Ano ang mayroon sa ating mga Pilipino? Paano naging natatangi ang ating bansa? At Bakit tila maraming dayuhan ang nahuhumaling sa kultura at wikang Filipino?” Ito ang aking naging sagot: Ang Pilipinas ay isang archipelago na binubuo ng maraming isla at n...
Read more

Breaking the Gold: The Golden Years of Philippine Cinema

Image
Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay Introduction – The Perceived Notion of Golden Times. The age of cinema as a form of art and industry is relatively young as compared to other forms. In the Philippine context, the history of cinema has just only reached its centennial year with the beginnings from 1917 when Malayan Movies, a film company founded by Jose Nepomuceno and his brother Jesus, was established, to 1919 when the first Filipino feature film was produced – Dalagang Bukid (Country Maiden), produced by the same company. In spite of having a comprehensive history of Philippine cinema yet to be written, the industry has proven to develop and mature with regards to filmmaking style, form, and content for it to have the so-called ‘golden age’. Such Golden Age is ostensibly characterized by great progress, or as Cambridge dictionary defines it, “a period of time, sometimes imaginary, when everyone was happy, or when a particular art, business, etc. was very successful...
Read more

Pagsulat sa Filipino - Lakbay-Sanaysay

Image
“Summer capital of the Philippines,” ganito binansagan ang lugar na Baguio City. Sa aking mga paglalakbay, isa ang Baguio sa aking mga hindi malilimutan. Tatlong beses na akong nakarating dito: ang unang dalawa (Septyembre 2007 at Mayo 2016) ay kasama ang aking pamilya at ang huli ay field trip sa aming paaralan (Oktubre 2016). “Hindi nakakasawa,” sabi ko sa aking isipan nang makarating muli ako.             Malamig ang klima rito, batid naman ito ng nakakarami; ito na siguro ang pangunahing dahilan ng mga turista sa kanilang pagbisita. Subalit bukod sa malamig na klima, tunay na marami pang maipagmamalaki ang Baguio! Isa na rito ang Burnham Park , ang itinuturing puso ng Baguio. Dahil hindi iyon ang aking unang pagbisita, masasabi ko na may mga nagbago. Lalong dumami ang tao, mas pinaganda ang ilang anyo ng istraktura, at higit na kasiya-siya kumpara sa aking huling pagpunta. (Trivia! Ang tanyag na parke na ito ay ipinangalan...
Read more

Bar Boys (2017): A Movie Review

Image
One of my picks among Pista ng Pelikulang Pilipino (PPP) movie entries is Bar Boys with a synopsis of "The misadventures of three young men who try their luck in the college of law. As their friendship, families, relationships and convictions are brought to breaking point, they must keep their heads and emotions together as they prepare for the big day." I watched the movie with my friend with no particular expectation. Fortunately, having watched the film, I suddenly asked myself "how can it exceed my expectation if I didn't set any at all?" because it just happens that it exceeded my expectation as I don't honestly usually watch Filipino movies. The theme of the movie is about the struggles of being a law student dealing with the challenges of studying and passing, dealing with college professors (who each have distinct personality) and their respective subjects, and dealing with the relationships one has in his family, friends, and significant others...
Read more

The Historical Origin and Cultural Implications of Bañamos Festival of Los Baños, Laguna

Image
The month is September and as a child, my grandmother would bring me to the town plaza to watch the Balye sa Kalye , the most awaited event in Bañamos festival of our municipality. This goes every year with my grandma until I grew older to watch other events of the festival by myself or with my friends. The festival was just colors and music, an entertainment, and an annual celebration until I gained the consciousness to wonder its origin and curiosity to ask its implications to the local culture, which set the rationale of this paper. Origin             The festival’s name Bañamos, which is a Spanish term meaning “we bathe”, is ascribed to the name of the municipality, Los Baños meaning “the baths”. This is due to the fact that the founding of Los Baños goes back to the Spanish colonization. In the late 16 th century, a canonical mission in the lakeshore towns of Laguna led the Franciscans to come by the hot springs of bar...
Read more