Today


I choose to love you in silence, for in silence I find no rejection. I choose to love you in loneliness, for in loneliness no one owns you but me. I choose to adore you from distance, for distance will shield me from pain. I choose to kiss you in the wind, for the wind is gentler than my lips. I choose to hold you in my dreams, for in my dreams you have no end.

Today, we met. You told me you didn't want to see me, and yet you changed your mind. I'm thankful, did you know that? You were expecting, as always, something from me. You thought I would break your heart. You thought I was only going to make you cry - well yes, you cried. I'd be surprised if you didn't. You were asking me to tell you what I have to tell you, but honestly, I got nothing in mind. I haven't planned any script to tell you. But I thought of rehearsing lines I'd say when I finally see you after not seeing each other at some time. I ended up seeing you with no practiced starters or enders because it's true when I told you that the reason why I wanted us to go out is I just wish to be with you, to see you, and to eat lasagna with you. Plain and simple. 

You still don't get it, do you? When I found out that I'm incapable of committing myself into something like this, I tried doing things that would hopefully make you hate me but even I do the little things that I think can lead you hating me, you still loved me the way I am. It's overwhelming. And this is unfair to you. I thought there's no point in doing bad things just to make someone fall out of love. I learned that from you. You loved me at my worst and best, yet I couldn't love you either way. Which totally makes me a jerk for losing someone like you. 

You thought I want you to be independent and to live without me until you learn to live my word. And I realize it damn hurts when you did - when you tried to be independent. It pains me when you tried living without me. I don't know your agony, you don't know mine. But one thing I know is for sure, we're both hurting. You told me I seem not to hurt. But little do you know that I do. I do get hurt. I am, I am hurting; I just pretend like I am not. You see me as a heartless person, maybe because I am stoic most of the time. It's what we do best - smiling while hurting, pretending while burning, and loving while hating. 

Do you know the reason why I couldn't say I love you in person, even in messages? Because I'm afraid I couldn't mean what I say. I fear that I wouldn't prove that I do. Where in fact, I did and I still do. But I don't have the courage to tell you. But let me just say what I feel.

I love you.
I love you even I can't prove that I do.
I love you even it doesn't matter anymore.
I love you even it won't change anything now.
I love you even you think I am a heartless person.
I love you even you always question my love for you.

Maybe I am not what you're looking for and you are not what I am looking for.
In spite of that, I still love you. 
Don't answer it. It's not a question.
I want to say sorry for everything. But I guess it won't add up to anything. After all, I have said it several times and it has lost its power now. I was too conceited, prideful, and numb. I know. And maybe now, you hate me more than you loved me. It's alright. I will try to understand. 

It's painful but I didn't tell you I was in pain. You may now label me as conventional (a word that I hate very much!) because I'm like other guys who suppressed their emotions, full of ego, and great in concealing internal pain.
I told you that I'm unconventional but now it appears to be that I am just like the others.

I could manipulate you, but I didn't. That's the last thing I would do. Remember the times I shut you off? Those are the times that you are vulnerable and I could toy you, just what like any other guys do. They go look for other people to avoid the distress of their partners. I wasn't like that. I never plan to be like that. I don't look for someone just to avoid dealing with your complexity. I just shut my world from anyone who tries to knock in. But now I realize that I'm just like any other guy that I try not to become - fearful to handle real love. 

I wasn't there when you needed me the most. And that has been my routine because I couldn't let you in. It's a shame for me to be like that. but I got to learn from it. I'm an asshole and I accept that.

I remember someone telling me, "The reason why she loves you very much is because of your attractive mind - the way you think is her weakness. But women are women, they all look for affection and need to be cared for and you just couldn't give that because of your priorities. You are so busy preparing for your future that you forget you have her. But it's alright. She will love you more because of that. That's another reason why she keeps falling deeper into you. " That struck me. I truly found it ironic. How could you love someone who only does things that hurt you? I may know the answer from my question because I, for the record, love you even you do things that hurt me too. 

-TBWS
April 18, 2018




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