CHASE

“He left and I’m still alive. The thing about life is we always survive.” (IpKaurNagi)

He spoke his mind; now let me have my turn as he shared what we had in the latter days of our relationship, as he openly wrote about the limbo of our love.

How dare him?!

How dare he speak so sincere and honest while he was harsh to me?

I remember the times when he used to correct my faults until he no longer did. He has lost his tolerance on my immaturity and seemed not to care at all. 

I remember the times when he could manage my impulsiveness until he no longer did. He has lost his patience to handle my behavior and seemed not to bother at all. 

I remember the times when he almost always wanted to spend time with me until he no longer did. He has lost his priority, who happens to be me, and seemed not to worry at all.

Indeed. He fell out of love, didn’t he?

Since he just told his narrative, his own version of the truth, I think I ought to share mine.

But what is my truth?

He may think he had it worst but I doubt that. I highly doubt that. Because clearly, I had it worse than him. I was the one who kept waiting every minute for his messages – until minutes turned into hours and hours to days; days became weeks and damn, weeks almost turning into a month. Imagine the suffering of longing I went through. 

You see, he hasn’t gone with the pain I felt because he was the one who inflicted it. How dare he claim we both had it worst in our own ways when in fact, the ruins were solely mine.

What he did took a toll on me! I was blind or maybe I wasn’t, but I was a fool to settle for a relationship with so much uncertainty. He was committed until he told me he wasn’t ready. How was I supposed to react to that? How was I supposed to feel upon learning that? I don’t know the right words to merely describe what I felt but it totally sucks!

We had it. We had our time together. We had our own beautiful worlds. His world revolves around me as much as mine revolves around him until apparently, he became my world, and that is where I messed up. 

When I had nothing, I had him, until he became someone he said he would never be – someone who leaves. He left me when he definitely knows that he is only all I got.

I admit we were deeply in love being a new couple. We shared moments until moments became memories. Sweet memories became bitter. 

Talks developed arguments; arguments grew into fights; and fights turned into silence.

I admit, the spell was too strong I became too weak. I have depended my happiness on him too much that he resisted it. He became cold - to the extent that he stops talking to me. 

I knew he was busy. 

I knew he’s got more important things to do. 

I knew he couldn’t choose me over his works. 

I knew I couldn’t win him over his friends. 

He was more committed to his works than he was to me. He was happier with his friends than he was with me.

But despite all the coldness, I tried to understand because I know he is preparing for the future. But that didn't stop me from getting mad at him.

What could I do? I couldn’t help but think too much. I have thought of worst case scenarios which did nothing well. I was only hurting myself. It should be enough that he hurt me when he left me, but why did I seem to hurt myself more?

I realized that I was being too hard on myself when I kept hoping he’d come back to me or our romance would be fresh as new. I kept hoping and wishing until he committed a mistake - until I did, and he did again, and I did again. 

The thing is, we didn’t just get mad; subconsciously, we were also trying getting even. Until we eventually stopped getting mad and only kept getting even. That’s how our relationship became unhealthy. But honestly, I didn’t believe that it was – no matter how many times people tried rubbing it to my face.

Can you blame me? My love was stronger than our issues. All I ever asked were time and attention from him which he constantly failed to provide – and yet I still loved him. I was only asking for his affection he couldn’t consistently express. I now realized that he’s right. He is probably right when he said – things were too much for me and too little for him. I became too much that I had to ask for his affection when he couldn’t willingly give it to me. That made me realize how foolish I was to beg for something he wasn’t willing to give in the first place.

I remember him telling me – let’s enjoy our remaining time together.

That’s when I should have known better! He meant it and I took it differently. He wanted me to be grateful for what he could only give at the time - something temporary, but can you me blame if I’d want more than that? 

I wanted a commitment. 

I wanted an assurance. 

I wanted him. 

But sadly, I suppose that was too much to ask.

Everything that he has done has made me think whether I deserve it or not. Did I deserve to be treated like this – an option? Have I done something so massive I made him become like that? Because clearly, I must have done something that made him who he turned out to be.

I have spent days blaming myself until I realize I should not take all the burden. I should have known better! We ended multiple times, we break up even there was nothing, and we spend time together like we are something. More often than not, bad days prevailed over our good days. I later come to realize that our love was in a limbo – something I feared yet still took. 

Was there any better choice than to have him despite all the uncertainty he evidently displayed? Of course, I took it and that’s where I went wrong.

Now here I am! Finally with an open eyes covering a shattered heart. I reached the point where I no longer have to beg for his love and wait for him to see my worth. I have endured a great deal of pain until I realize I don’t have to anymore. I held on with the false idea that the pain of leaving is more painful than the pain of staying – so I stayed. But it ain’t.

I told him he has hurt me and it’s not his place to decide that he didn’t (he used to blame me for feeling things and made me feel I have poor reasoning). Though I’m not sure if I should be glad that he didn’t deny his faults. I just really hope he did accept it. I hope he acknowledges the misery he costed me. I hope he recognizes the agony he forced me to experience. Because clearly, everything is so unfair!

Will we ever be back together? All I can say is – if it is meant to be, it will be.

Can our relationship be fixed? To be honest, I have always hope it to be fixed. But a boat won’t move forward if one is paddling a different direction or is not paddling at all.  

All I did was love, and this is what love has done to me. I lately frequently ask myself, what if we didn't actually happen, would I still become the person I am and think about things that way I do now?

After everything, I just want to ask him this,

How can you hurt someone whose only intention was to love you?

Don’t bother to answer though; I learned well. 

He told me before that he didn’t deserve me – that he doesn’t deserve the love I was showering him because he claimed that he’s a shitty person (Well now, you are!). But I countered it before by saying - it is I who don’t deserve him because he is someone whom people look up to while I was only a girl with very low self-esteem back then. However, things are changed now, aren’t they? I won’t say it otherwise because clearly – I don’t deserve him. I deserve better!

I don't deserve a guy who doesn't want to be kept. I don't deserve a guy who only gets threatened when he fucks up. I don't deserve a guy who finds indulgement in catching me every time I decide to walk away from him because that has become the chase of our relationship. 

But for the record, I believed it was worth it - he is worth the pain - was. But this time, a limbo kind of love is not worth it anymore. The cycle of our situation, the repetition of our struggles, and the chase of our relationship have taken a toll on me. 

Before I end this, I noticed that his narrative was apologetic. He has perfectly mastered accepting things he did and didn’t do yet doing nothing about them at all (I actually hoped he did something about them). I won’t have the same facade because I chose to speak my mind and reveal my version of the truth, maybe not the whole truth but one that I believe into. 

At last! I ended it. I ended our relationship not because I got tired loving him, but because he has proven enough that his actions couldn't live up to his words and I am not someone who would keep a blind eye just because I love him so bad. I'm tired to experience the pain again and again; the time has come for me to end whatever thing we had. 

Yes, this is me pushing him away after all the heartaches and pains of our love, after all the sufferings of my soul, and after everything that we had.

No, this isn’t us who had it enough because we almost always had it a little less and almost never a bit more but clearly never enough.

I can finally say he has burned my match and now I’ve finally got nothing more to burn.

May 24, 2018

CHASE, her reply to his LIMBO 

- TBWS