LIMBO
Yes, I could say that our relationship was in a limbo.
This may be the first time that I’m going to talk about it here. That’s bravery, right? I was coward in my relationship, however. I admitted it multiple times for I know what kind of partner I was to her. The thing is – no matter how hard I try, I end up failing to man up, to be consistent, and to be someone she wishes me to be.
This may be the first time that I’m going to talk about it here. That’s bravery, right? I was coward in my relationship, however. I admitted it multiple times for I know what kind of partner I was to her. The thing is – no matter how hard I try, I end up failing to man up, to be consistent, and to be someone she wishes me to be.
What put our relationship in limbo is something we both are guilty of, or so I thought. We think more than we speak and when we do, we speak more than we think. Did someone fall out of love? Is it normal to fall out of love? Well, I’m not capable to know what is normal from not for I have no previous experiences to know the normalcy of being in love. I cannot truly answer whether one of us has fallen out of love. But one thing is for sure – I got to learn the intricacies of a relationship. I may not have fully understood it when I had it but every part of it was enlightening – at least for me.
To err is human.
I have committed mistakes, so has she. Mistakes that we wish we can reverse because we know that our regrets will definitely haunt us for quite some time. There are mistakes that we committed which we truly regretted doing - the ones that completely changed the version of our reality – the ones that totally ruined how we felt to one another – the ones that were heartbreaking enough to alter the way we see what LOVE truly is.
You see, I can let her go and still love her and I think she can too for she already did let me go and still love me. The reason for letting go? I don’t know for sure but I think it is the time when she lost me or I lost her – or when I let her lose me. This made me realize that every reason in each break-up is actually unknown since we both have our own version of truths we wouldn’t let anyone or anything affect it.
If you’re going to ask me whether I still love her, I think it doesn’t matter.
What if I still do? Will that change anything at all? What if I don’t love her anymore? Will that do any good?
So yeah! Am I still in love with her? It doesn’t matter.
I broke her heart for being unfair. I have changed the way she perceives love. I am the one who changed who she was to who she is now. I was the reason why she believed in love and also the reason why she may not believe in it anymore. And that fucking hurts, doesn’t it? Being the reason why someone changed isn’t always gratifying. It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.
Haven’t I fought for her? Didn’t I fight with her?
Of course, I have and I did. I have fought for her when everyone thinks I deserve better that I almost believed I do. (I think the same thing goes with her because people thought I treated her badly.) I thought she was worth it and I wasn’t wrong for indeed she – was – worth – it. (I wonder now whether she was wronged with me.) I did fight with her because that’s what partners do. They fight, they argue, and they talk. They always fight over almost senseless things. They always argue over almost petty misunderstandings. They always talk about almost everything. I realized that’s what partners should do and if it is, then we weren’t partners at all.
We had it. We had our time together. We had our own beautiful worlds. Her world revolves around me as much as my world revolves around her until mine no longer did. But that wasn’t the sad part at all.
The sad part is when I have no longer time for her that I forget she was always there for me.
The sadder part is when I try to remember why I loved her in the first place and I fail to recall why.
The saddest part is when I didn't know I was slowly losing her and realized that I already lost her.
Instead of saying that she lost me, let me say it otherwise for that is what gentlemen do. They don’t blame their lady for feelings things. They would take the blame and apologize for things she committed. Because a gentleman knows he is the reason why his lady feels the way she does. His little actions can change her big time. His bittersweet words can create her new reality or destroy her old one. His presence or absence can absolutely determine her importance to him. Then frankly, I wasn’t a gentleman when I hurt her. Who am I to act like one now when in fact I wasn’t a gentleman to her at all? Damn it, she doesn’t deserve the pain I inflicted her.
I have regrets, but I don’t regret what we had. She may not share the same view now but I do hope she remembers only the good things and forgives the bad ones, as I will do the same.
The end wasn’t always good. We ended multiple times, we break up even there was nothing, and we spend time together like we are something. We had good days and of course, we also had our bad days. More often than not, it became tiring to both of us - the cycle of our situation, the repetition of our struggle, the limbo of our love.
Unhealthy, as most call it. I know ours was labeled by people, even our friends, as one. It truly was unhealthy; I later come to realize that it totally was. But a limbo kind of relationship is something most of us would still choose, admit it or not, over a painful ending. We are all cowards to face the truth because too often than not, the truth wouldn't always fit our desired narrative that we tend to make our own version. It’s more convenient or it seems easier, but the truth is – it will be the death of us.
She finally had the courage to end it as I wouldn't want to be the one who breaks it up. She held on for so long hoping that our romance will relive the dramas she is fond of watching. Despite being her fantasy, hope is still hope. And hope keeps someone alive, doesn’t it? Hope is what makes us believe into something until something or someone proves it otherwise - until I proved her otherwise. Unfortunately, I cannot be her truth as she cannot be mine. As painful as it sounds, that’s the way things go.
We hurt each other and we don’t get to decide whether we did or not. We don’t get to know who had it worse because honestly, we both had it worst - at least in our ways.
We made mistakes. We forgave but never forget. We settled and didn’t actually try harder.
Things were too much for her, too little for me.
Will we ever be back together? I don’t have the answer to that.
Can our relationship be fixed? My answer would be - how can you fix something if you don’t know what’s broken? And even if I do, what if I don’t know how to fix what’s broken and I don’t want to in the first place?
This is not me giving up.
No, this is not her pushing me away.
But this is us who had it enough, or maybe we had it a little more or a bit less. One way or another,
I am too much for most, she's just plenty for some, and we are barely enough for one another. (CWPOET)
We have burned the match and now it has finally nothing more to burn.
May 21, 2018
LIMBO
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