Unspoken VIII

You stayed. I thought that’s the solution; I later realized that that’s the problem.

The ultimate paradox, it sure is. 

I started asking myself whether it is reasonable to feel the way I feel towards you, and to think the way I do about you. I couldn’t figure whether my emotions are valid since they are always left unspoken. What could have gone wrong when we were perfectly happy? What would have occurred if you just didn’t make that mistake? I’m wondering what should happen now that we’re pretty messed up. It’s so unfortunate that we aren’t ruined beautifully but miserably.

Why did you stay? I kept telling myself that your reason to stay was valid until I no longer believe that it is. Why did you stay when you shouldn’t have to? I kept believing that I need you until I no longer do. I kept thinking that your absence would destroy me until I realize it actually won’t. 

Why did you stay? 

Why did you? 

Why? 

I guess I would never know the answer unless I experience the same thing. I would never know your reason unless I am placed in the similar situation. I would never know you unless I were... you. 

Maybe it is one of the questions that will never get answered – and will just forever remain a question with no answer. 

The reason as to why you stayed might not actually matter when you weren’t meant to leave in the first place; I am just fooling myself if that’s the case. I think my hunger to know your reason will not get satisfied. I think my sentiments over our situation will not matter. I think my thoughts are only thoughts, and that my actions are really the one which will hopefully matter. 



I got mad. I got this anger inside me – the battle between accepting and rejecting the idea of you. I hated you, but I definitely loved you. How come that you could hate someone you once loved so much and not feel any affection at all? Feelings are playful things, aren’t they? I wish they can be manipulated. 

I am not mad at you for the record; I am actually mad at myself for sacrificing things for you when I shouldn’t have, when I didn’t have to, and when I wasn’t capable of sacrificing at all. I am mad at myself for choosing you over myself, for trying to help solve your problems before mine, and for believing that you would change when nothing has changed at all. 

WE’RE STILL STUCK AT THE SAME PLACE, SAME PROBLEM, AND WE’RE STILL THE SAME PEOPLE! 

I know I will never get an answer, but I’ll keep asking anyway – why did you stay? 
- TBWS
June 18, 2017

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