`Damn 2018~

18 is such a checkpoint. The rite of passage that we dreadfully await, hoping for a, if not better, newer experience in life. 

Nope. I’m not going to put an effort into making a decent introduction for this one. What’s the point of painting a picture that is different from what you feel and think?

Write a letter forgiving yourself for something you’ve been upset about. 

My 2018 journal has ice-breaker sections such as this but I never truly reached that page because who am I kidding?
I like writing diaries as much as I like the quality pages and slick covers yet having never actually consumed all of its entirety.

We often think we like the thing but in fact, we only like the idea of that thing. 

Sounds familiar?

We are not in love. We just like the idea of being in love.

At some point, we all have been there – not knowing what we really want.
It kind of sucks – not knowing. But why does ‘knowing’ seem to suck even more?

Knowing that something would have been different only if you acted differently. 

Knowing that things could have changed if only you did this or did not do that.
Knowing that you could have done something but you did not.

Regrets.

They are truly the deal. Never subtle, always the highlight.

I’m tempted to quote every generic lesson I could think of.

"We’ve heard the saying 'you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone'. The truth is you knew what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it." 

That hit me through the bones.

Losing.

Such a romanticized idea.

That’s what we do best to pick ourselves up and start moving again. Always looking for the silver lining; never killing hope. No matter how much you’ve been in hopeless situations, you just don’t give up. Even when you say you do, you don’t wake up the next day having no intentions of trying again, do you? You may not fully know it most of the time but you keep on trying. 

And I think that’s what matters.

Heartache.

Overrated, right? But who has a heart that doesn’t ache?

I can finally say that I also like the idea of pain and I think you do too. 

I’m a masochist. Not in a sexual way but you get it because chances are – you are a masochist too.

Someone who enjoys being in pain.

Unthinkable, isn’t it? How can a person enjoy pain at all?

It might only be semantics and rhetoric but we can all agree that pain moves our lives because without it, we are living in utopia and utopia doesn’t exist, does it?

I started writing this with the intent of forgiving myself for something I’ve been upset about. 

But why is it always like that? 

The world always makes it a point that you shall always be responsible for feeling things – that it’s yours and yours only.

I’m upset about too many things. Too many that I’m starting to forget why I’m upset about them in the first place.

Appreciate.

What else can we do? Is there any better suggestion to turn negative things otherwise? Isn’t that always the case – to be grateful? Because if it isn’t, oh boy, you lose more than you know.

The year is ending but paradoxically, another is also starting. 

Another rite of passage, regrets, and losing. 

Another romanticized idea of heartache, pain, and suffering.

In spite of those never-ending cycle of reused resolutions and desperate desires, there’s always something to be thankful for. 

If it’s not your family or friends, your significant other or dreams, at least it’s the ‘idea’ of a family and friends, the ‘idea’ of a significant other and your dreams that you are grateful for.

May the end of the year serve as a reflection for who you want to be and the New Year as an objection to who you have become. 

27 December 2018

For previous year-ender blog - `Damn 2017~
`Damn 2019~