Back to Square One

Saturday, December 22, 2018

Five months have passed since I entered the University. I got my official I.D., did not drop any classes yet, had my first production in one of my majors, received my final grades and passed them all. What a good start, my confidante says.
Then I found myself to be back at square one.

New people. New environment. New arena.

As I regularly go home every weekend, I bumped into a junior schoolmate of mine in high school who is now a senior and she wanted to ask me about life beyond the walls of JILS (acronym of my high school). She was probably all curious as I was when I badly wanted to finally graduate and go into college. And now she is about to and now here I am!

What is it like?

I thought I already knew the obvious disparity between high school and college but boy, the ironies they are. You were asked to always stand every time you recite in class before until you always have to remind yourself not to when your professor calls you - or else, you will be asked to please sit and remain seated as you speak. There was a time after every discussion to ask questions - "Are we clear, class?", then such chances become a privilege depending on the professor you got - but personally, I mostly have approachable profs. There are exams that are still objective so you must take care of your memory very well as you did or did not in your high school. Essays before demanded long sentences and several paragraphs hence redundancy saves the day, but the papers you have now want brevity thus fewer pages so wordiness becomes a crime.

I thought my English is enough, but college wronged me. Indeed, there's a lot more lacking in my vocabulary. You are starting to become accustomed to academic writing, not that you were not, but college is another whole new level of input and output which will really make you think and feel that, despite being the top in high school, you are actually producing mediocre work.

That's when I realized I am totally in a different arena and I have to think of a new gameplay.

I thought there will be tougher competition in college than in high school. Well, true enough - to compete with yourself could not get any tougher than anyone else you competed back then. As there are some spoilers from upperclassmen and memes all around the net, the truth was told that the only competition that matters in college is not with that of other students but with that of yourself. Self-improvement is key.

FREEDOM IS DANGEROUS.

Being a dormer and university student, I can claim that freedom has its downside with regards to personal and social interests. The temptations that all there is (I won't mention such, you guess) have its ways to consume you. Although I am accustomed to such freedom even when I was still living with my family, being far away from them gives me more power to do things on my own. Don't get me wrong; I would not lose their trust. All I'm saying is freedom can be dangerous, or at least too much of it.

I can say. I know. I am my own boss. My parents have trusted me which is a good thing for I can decide on my own and be responsible for my own actions. Needless to say, I'm dependent on them but independent in my own way. It's just that when you finally tasted more freedom than your usual, controlling yourself is not only crucial but necessary.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER or is it?

"Kapag namulat ka na sa katotohanan, kasalanan na ang pumikit."

The University has begun to enlighten me with unfiltered realities. This has to be the most intense semester I had (technically first in college, LOL).
The frat-related violence around the campus, #LonsiLeaks, the ceaseless critique to the government, the Lumad killings and displacement, and other issues involving UP itself are a lot to take in.
For a time, it's all overwhelming until I have to accept what surrounds me, but not to an extent of normalizing such violence and other atrocities because that's the last thing we should do.

Having firsthand experiences and getting primary sources can be both a blessing and a curse. What should I do with the knowledge available in the corner? I am not used to this too much resources; what's left for me to do is to act on it.

EVERYTHING IS POLITICAL.

I learned that even before I entered UP but now that I'm in, everything is indeed political. Everything.

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"I...I...I think," I stutter as my professor called my name for my opinion on the subject at hand.

Tense was I and my stuttering kept manifesting. Oh boy, I am definitely going back to square one. I am not in my comfort zone anymore and I have to do something again. My SSS are coming back - SUFFERING, STRUGGLE, AND SACRIFICE.
Walking back to my dorm sad, staring at the mirror so mad, and undeniably feeling bad.

been there, done that

I knew the drill, or at least I had one - TO PRACTICE, but time ain't enough. The phase in college is fast; Senior High School may have prepared me because it was also information overload per meeting. Rehearsing my presentation was key, but presenting it is a different confrontation. Imagine losing a group debate because you have failed to deliver your team's stand as you were assigned as the final speaker. Although I have good days, most often than not, bad days prevail.

How I wish my speaking voice to be similar to my writing voice has long been my struggle. I and the people who get to talk to me know that they aren't the same. Only rare instances might disprove that, like when I'm relaxed, or drunk, or having a sheer good day. Yes, for the record, speech and communication is a big deal to me.

Despite that, my defense mechanism seems to manifest - to excel in other aspects (assuming that I do). I try, as I always do, to find the silver lining in situations I find poor and sad like my speech.

Kidding aside, my situation isn't as depressing as before because I learned to manage my way through it. After all, I shouldn't be depressed since I earned a rather good first-semester GWA (General Weighted Average), or should I?

Let's see if I can maintain or even better this. #jinx HAHAHAHA!

To end this, YES I survived my first semester in UP and I DO hope I survive the rest!

To read more of my UP journey:
1. U.P. OR NOTHING, my UPCAT story
2. Welcome to U.P.!, the first blog as I entered
3. One Month at U.P., the second blog after a month
4. Back to Square One (THIS BLOG!), my blog after a semester

For my compiled literary,
English Essays
Wikang Filipino

For my other literary,
just explore around the archives and tags.

About the author,
THE BOY WHO STUTTERS

First Blog,
WELCOME!

Happy reading, stutterers!
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