Unspoken X

It's been a year.



I can't help but realize how the situation didn't change even a little bit. Do things really get better or do we just get used to it? Admittedly, it was only getting worse. That's the thing about us - we always aim to be better when in fact we always end up being the worse. Life is full of paradoxes, isn't it?
You wish you were stronger. You wish you were better. You wish to have won wars without sacrificing anything. You wish to have forgotten and forgiven every thing that people did to you. . 
Guess what? We're still stuck at the same place, same problem, and we're still the same people! You have become passive to your situation; she is still trying hard to redeem herself, he persistently is not being a good example to you, she is still ignorant of the situation, and he is about to enter a new phase in his personal life. Has a year changed anything? Unfortunately, looking back from then and now, nothing has changed at all.

Normally, a lot could have changed in a year. But why did your situation seemingly forbid anything to improve? You have achieved things, you met your goals, and you're getting good at pleasing people. But you know deep down that you aren't pleased with yourself and how fucked up your situation is. I wonder what people would think if they know what's going on with your life. If people only know how shitty person you are, if only they know how bad you are in relationships, and if only they see your mind full of thoughts waiting to explode.

The thing that has kept you in your anxiety has finally freed you. Why is it that you seem to restrain yourself from the happiness you earned? But then again I reflect, how can you if it doesn't help your situation at all? How frustrating it is to have achieved something and still remain at the same place - like there's no progress?

I know you wish that it can make your situation better. If only the things you do for yourself can ease the situation you are all in, I know you would do anything to ease everything. Sadly, it doesn't work like that, does it? Doing good does not make your situation good and you have learned that in an awful way.
You held yourself as things in your life fell apart. You moved forward even your situation pulled you back. You didn't give up when your problem got so hard. 
The going gets tough and it becomes tougher as the agony you each have in yourselves continues to aggravate every situation. You wish to perish yet you ask for health. Paradoxically, the thing that is killing you is keeping you alive.

Let that be another unspoken word I have to conceal in this text - for no one would totally know what you feel, what you went through, and what created and destroyed you!

-TBWS
May 4, 2018

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