The Boy Who Stutters

I started thinking about how you would feel if you knew what was happening. What if you already have the capacity to understand things as they are and accept them? Would you do something about it like I did? Would you have the courage to act upon the situation or just ignore it until it numbs you like I did? Would you do the same?  Every time I look at you, I see myself. It is as if I am witnessing my childhood in yours and I'm actually in the background - watching. How incredible is that? (I thought to myself.) However, I don't wish you'd become like me. I wish you to become a totally different person than I am. I wish you will have enough courage to face difficult situations and not run away from them. I wish you will be able to meet the standards of the people around you, especially your own standards to yourself because that is crucial in your growth. I wish you become stronger than me because I believe someone is and can even become stronger than I am now and ...

So let me just tell you 10 things I hate about you. I hate the way you are, when you’re being real, care-free, and innocent. I hate the way you suffer, every time you make mistakes, and regret it. I hate the way you treat others, just the way as you treat me. I hate the way you see me, when you think I’m correct, perfect, and always upright. I hate it when you’re tough, that I taught you and you learned. I hate the way you learn, you react, and the way you speak your mind, the way you make jokes and the way you get sad. I hate it when you’re right, even you think you’re wrong. I hate how conventional you perceive me, but in fact I am not, and how you indulge yourself with simple things, and the way you become happy. I hate the way you take care of me, the way you speak of me, the way you look at me, the way you deal with my shits, and the way you try being someone I need. And lastly, I hate it when you cry, not because of joy, but because of pa...

I told her something and she asked, "For what reason?" I told her that I am changing or I am trying to.  I told her that I am not my usual self.  I told her that I am being different from what I used to be.  I told her that.  And she asked, "Why? For what reason?"  To admit, it was something that I have been wishing to do, yet never having the chance to be able to do it. Can I just answer - I am tired?  Is it acceptable to say that - I just learned from my experience? Will it hurt to admit - I am not the person I used to be?  "For what reason?" she asked.  To admit, I actually don't know.  I suddenly lost my thought.  I lost my initiative to do things.  I suddenly lost myself. 

July 16, 2015 To my favorite person,                   The day when I met you, the minute we talked, that very moment when we saw each other faces, I knew that I would love you. I was struck by your glowing eyes and by your irresistible smile. You have the nose that others envy, the intelligence that I’ve never seen, and the wit and humor that always drive me crazy. You are amazing! I think I like every little thing about you; maybe that’s the reason why you became my favorite person.                 The time when your tears started to fall, the time of your downfall, the time when the whole world was against you, you were extremely strong to deal those times yet too delicate to be badly affected.                  The way you speak, the way you express your thoughts, the way you see the world, it’s incredib...

Yes, you read it right. You don't expect me to move on with the same phase you're at. I'm not like you and you're not like me. Funny, I suddenly realized that that's the very reason we broke up. It's sad actually, how could it be, and it hurts - it still does. What pains me is seeing you with someone whom I was frightened about. Why her? Of all people, why her? Why would you replace me with someone I told you not to ever involve in your life? Why would you choose someone whom I was jealous about? I don't understand. Seeing you everyday with her makes me wish I never had my eyes. Witnessing the way you talk to her makes me miss the old times we had. Looking how you treat her makes me feel sad, and bad, and jealous. Have you moved on? I wish to know because I haven't. The idea of you replacing me is unbearable. How could you? Learning that you like her crushes my heart. I remember when you just liked me before and only loved me eventually. There'...