Tragic & Delight

You asked me, "When will you write about me?"
I answered, "I don't want to write about you... Not yet."
And for a moment you digested what I said and clearly understood.
So you replied, "You know you can also write about happiness, right? It doesn't always have to be about endings and sadness and pains."

Then it's my turn to digest that which until now I am trying to.

Right. You're right. Now let me write about happiness this time. Let me write something about YOU.

For the record, this is not for you but about you. But I suppose it's insignificant now we both know we are likely to assume what is not stated like we always do.

Poof~

That's what you told me - like it's a signal, an entrance, or a start. But is it really?
I found what I was looking for but as usual - it is almost always too good to be true. But is it really?

You were so good, so kind, almost surreal. I was overwhelmed and still am. Yes, you are real and that's what scares me. You are indeed too good to be true that I found myself asking, do I deserve you? 

You deserve to be loved. 

That's what you told me, so assuring I almost believed it.
Then I realized - maybe I was right. We were only both lonely when we met, are we still now though? Yet we still took risks, didn't we?
And I don't regret it, even you seem that you do, don't you? What could go wrong? Damn.

Seconds spent with you were never a time wasted, don't think otherwise because you don't get to be the judge of that.
Talks shared with you were never just a time killer for they are all worth sharing with someone who happens to be as compassionate as you.
Silences availed with you were never only a time cherished but also valued since you and your company alone are all enough to complete my day - with or without speaking.

Yes, I was happy. I was genuinely happy with you. And you succeeded at your mission to put a smile on my lips, a glow on my face, and a mark on my soul, but did you really? Because I know you're thinking that you failed. But let me tell you that you didn't. You didn't fail to do those things to me.

The cuddles. The kisses. And all the litte sweet things. 

Clearly, I couldn't get enough of you. I was always excited to visit your place, getting more excited as I arrive, being extremely joyful entering your room. What could go wrong, right?

My rants.
Your anecdotes.
My tears.
Your rubbing of eyes.
My hug.
Your comfort.
My food.
Your treat.
My happiness.
Your goal.
My wish.
Your betterment.
My Delight.
Your Tragic.

Thoughts bombard you as much as fears attack me. Fuck the past, I said. I lied. 

I'm sorry. I am still haunted by my past that I let it define me. You are still troubled by your struggles that you let it stop you. Move on, I said. I lied again. How dare I advise you something I have obviously failed to do? We are both hypocrites - fed our alter ego the same cynic ideas which have always defeated us over.

I learned to take risks because of you. 

That's what you said exactly. You learned that from me and now I feel responsible. I took risks too, did you also feel responsible? I supposed not because I recognized it's your nature to care for people. Clearly, I saw myself in you. I saw someone who was as selfless as I am but at the same time so selfish. I saw someone who was compassionate as I was about almost everything until we pretended that we still are. And I saw someone who is as vulnerable as I will always be for we are both delicate creatures who are captured victims by our own thoughts.

Well, I have experienced many "firsts" with you and I thank you for that. I highly appreciate your efforts doing things I didn't have to ask. I so recognize your initiative to take care of me and make sure I am more than comfortable.
You made me realize things I honestly decided to ignore which I learned I shouldn't just ignore- like reading between the lines. I have been unfair and yet you persistently kept me happy. How lucky am I to have you?

With what has been said, I wonder if you are lucky too to have me. I don't want to assume but I do hope that you are. I wish that you were happy with me no matter how much I bring up petty arguments. I wish you got satisfied even a little bit with what I could give; I'm sorry if I could not give you more when you are so willing to give me everything. Am I that unfair?

I acknowledge the sacrifices you made for me, even those I didn't ask and would never ask. I recognize the faults you have but remember that that doesn't make you less of a person and it never will. I appreciate all the good things you have done for me, despite failing to express it.

Thank you for loving me especially each time that I am not lovable.
Clearly, you're a tragic but my delight. 

-TBWS
June 19, 2018




Tragically Delighted