Unspoken II

You turned against me, facing the wall as you hug the pillow which was once larger than you. I know you were crying. I was crying too, did you know that? Well, I was, but I guess it didn’t matter to you or it won’t matter to you for now. Just for the record, you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve any of this. 

I held my tears for so long and I thought I could not help it any longer. I did my best not to burst into tears just like you did. I know you were holding your tears and I was holding mine. But we both couldn’t just hold it any longer, so you let your tears slip and drip just like I let mine. Of course, you didn’t know I was crying, but I knew you were. Well, it doesn’t matter now, does it? So just you know, I stayed until I thought you cried yourself to sleep. 

I lay upon the uncomfortable couch and I was still overwhelmed. I thought of you when I left you. Suddenly, I thought I heard something; I thought it was your voice. So I went back to check and I found you – awake. “Why are you still up?” I asked. Of course, I didn’t expect you to answer, I asked anyway. It seems like you were wide awake, it feels like you were thinking something so profound, and it looks like you were dumbfounded by the situation as well. I felt my presence would just bother you so I left again; well, I think my appearance didn’t bother you at all when I entered. I was back again on that damn sofa, I got good at pretending I enjoy it. 

Minutes have passed and I found myself contemplating my life without her. I didn’t usually think of that, or at least not lately. Unexpectedly, a part of me thinks it would be better without her, but then again, we need each other. I must admit, I usually deny the fact that I need her with the petty reason of not wanting her. Too messed up, don’t you think? I just wish it is not. 

What would your life be without her? I suddenly thought that you’ll need her more than you’ll need me and that is totally okay. I just realize that you might hate her, and I thought you could and would, given the circumstance. You may hate her just as much as I do. You may want to forget her as desperate as I am now. However, I assure you one thing: you will definitely blame yourself too as I do now. 

"Only if I can save you from that, I would. Only if I can prevent that to happen, I would. Only if I can change her, I would." 

I returned and discovered that you are still awake. That is when I had the idea to lie beside you and see if that would help; you are still facing the other side of the bed. This is familiar, I thought.  I placed my hand over your waist and you didn’t react; I began patting and humming. I remember I used that rhythm to make you fall asleep. You didn’t react, so I continued. I kept until I thought you’re asleep. I wonder if you remember that I usually did that to you before, and I sadly realize you’ll surely forget this and that. 

I closed my eyes wishing I could save you from the pain that life has to give you. I hope you'll become braver than I am when it comes. 



- TBWS
April 21, 2017
Next, Unspoken III

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