Alter 100 [7/12]

“I’m here,” I texted. I waited.

You came with your gloomy face. It wasn’t the cheerful vibe I got from our exchanges online.

I smiled. You sat beside me. Was it really you? For a second, I felt I met the wrong person. 

Who was that?

You drew something from your pocket and wallet. You lighted your cigar and started puffing. I still smiled.

You finally moved so I followed you. You smoked as we walked so I had to distance myself. You were sorry, or were you?

After a grid of streets, we entered your house. You got your own room. It smells though. I still smiled, or did I?

You had the courtesy to offer one of the sandwiches you ordered from that Buy 1 Take 1 food stall where we just personally met. I refused; you haven’t eaten yet, you said.

I explored your room – with my eyes – as I always do with every new place I’m in. You were a college student. As I’m about to become as well.

I sat in front of you. I dare occupying your bed while you sit on your study chair. I wonder if I broke or built an impression on you. I could only guess, but I can care less now.

We talked. 

I ask. You answer. Just like our exchanges. 

I was curious; you were patronizing. I was silent; you were arrogant…but funny. 

You were confident and proud. 

You were caring. 

You were sensitive and all. 

It was really you, I thought. I eventually felt I met the right person I was talking to online.

---

I was talking to a stranger which I finally met. I was on his bed. He was too kind to mind. Hours passed and we were lying together. He sang before that. He made me laugh before that. He went outside and bought me food before that. He made me hug him before that. Not that I didn’t want to, as he implied. Now I feel gullible. But I needed it. I realized it was what I actually needed. A hug. And that was what he needed too. Some comfort.

We longed for it apparently and it was cathartic, or so I thought. It was too good to be true. And it was indeed.

---

I almost went everyday to your place over the summer. You had set up an aquarium for me which we carefully planned. I had learned to bring food so you wouldn’t go out anymore. You had cleaned your room – partly – and the smell went away. I smiled.

But I still saw your pack of cigarettes. You nervously laughed. How could I kiss you now?

But you didn’t know I wanted to until I did.
Did I do something wrong? We were supposed to sleep together, but you excused yourself and moved.
You placed your pillow on the floor and left me alone on your bed. You lied there. I – I didn’t know why.

I came into your life, you implied, but you were not used to having a company at night. Or at least someone to sleep with. I mean, to have another person sleep beside you. Am I right? Did I impose? Perhaps? I was sorry, wasn’t I? Please come back. 

Why would you sleep on the floor? Why would you leave me? Could I get that cuddle?

Promise, I would hold you as much as you held me. I – I won’t let go, why did you?

That cut off the smile. It really did.

---

I entered college as you got out from it but to this day, I still don’t understand why you had to sleep alone when you didn’t have to. I was there, you know… I wish I was really there. Only if you let me. But I guess that was too much to ask. And I guess that was too selfish for me since I really didn’t understand your reason. For that, I am sorry. I really am.

I just wish you kept the aquarium despite my absence, but I guess that just reminds you of me, doesn’t it? 

---

 1 August 2020 

A monthly exhibition of the Alter world. 2020 watch out! For the next entries, [links to be published every last day/week of each month]

JANUARY - Alter 100 [1/12]
FEBRUARY - Alter 100 [2/12]
MARCH - Alter 100 [3/12]
APRIL - Alter 100 [4/12]
MAY - Alter 100 [5/12]
MIDSPECIAL - Alter 100 [6.1/12] SPECIAL
JUNE - Alter 100 [6/12]
JULY - Alter 100 [7/12]

AUGUST - Alter 100 [8/12]