Unspoken VII

I started to feel something I wasn’t supposed to feel. I thought being with you is enough for me to be at peace, but why is it that I am starting to feel the contrary. Why are my emotions at war towards you? I know I wasn’t supposed to feel this, yet I think about it now. Is what I feel reasonable? Can it be? Should it be reasonable? 

You stayed, he let you. However, I come to realize that your stay here is being counterproductive. I prove it as more days have gone by. It saddens me actually. I couldn’t accept the fact that you remain low, and think lowly. You act as if you are secured, but we both know you aren’t. I would like to think that your behavior means something. I wish it’s only your way to ease the pain. I wish that’s your way of dealing with your miserable life. 

I hate to think that way, but I do. I would want to excuse you, but it just happens that I cannot. I cannot excuse you with your indolent attitude; it is unacceptable. I will not excuse you with your unreasonable judgment. I can’t and I won’t excuse you because I want to believe that you are better than that! I would like to believe that you are more capable than you think. I want to believe that you can be useful and helpful to the situation. I would want to believe those things because I need you to. 



I hate to accept that you are worse, that you are less capable than me, and that you aren’t useful and of any help in our situation. I didn’t wish for this; I didn’t wish for you to become like this –useless and –impractical. I just hate you; I really do. I never wish to, but I never hated you like I do like now. 

You aren’t helping. You keep on making me feel bad and think the worse. You are triggering my worst emotion which I would not want to feel. I hope you don’t deserve this, but the reality is telling me that you do. 

Right now, I feel sorry for you. If only you didn’t mess up, if only you didn’t engage in a serious mistake, and if only you didn’t commit it, I would never feel like this! I would never think the worse of you! I would never hate you like I do right now! I would never experience this miserable life. You caused this! You made me like this! You did this! Damn you. 


- TBWS
May 26, 2017

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